Ballade of Covenience

BALLADE OF CONVENIENCE

Whenever we hear an awful lot of talk
about the local council building something new
bringing lorry-loads of sand and stone and chalk,
we always wonder where on earth they'll site the loo;
some place them underground - rooms without a view -
others up four storeys high so you worry
if you'll get there before the muggers catch you!
Why is it we can't find one when we need one in a hurry ?

We know of some Edwardian holes in York
that only for rowdy gentlemen will do.
The lack of toilets for ladies on a walk
has often got my wife into a proper stew;
she gets steamed up if she ever has to queue
like she did at the Village Fete in Surrey;
we once searched hours the Cheshire town of Crewe -
Why is it we can't find one when we need one in a hurry ?

We've visited a green bog in County Cork
that earned good marks in a motorist's review
and one at the Upper Tyne village of Wark
that even our dear old friend Kilroy would eschew.
Clean-flushing facilities are far and few
but essential after a Bengal curry
or a glass of Uncle Cedric's home-made brew!
Why is it we can't find one when we need one in a hurry ?

ENVOI

Prince, have you been in the gardens down at Kew
or tried to spend a penny in Hungary ?
Have you walked the dog out in the morning dew ?
Why is it we can't find one when we need one in a hurry ?

© GERALD ENGLAND.

Composed: Tarleton, 20th June 1983

Publications

1985 Periaktos (UK)
1995 Boggers All (UK)